


Waiting for you (Trigger Warning)

by MaddieWrites



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Thoughts, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-03 06:40:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13335594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieWrites/pseuds/MaddieWrites
Summary: Jack scrolled through the contacts in his phone, glancing at his computer screen again. 'Position in line: 4'. The letters told him. He sighed. Why was the waiting list for this stupid suicide hotline taking so long to get through?WARNING: This work may contain triggering content. It is not recommended for those with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, or other serious mental health conditions. Please be aware that this story contains extremely heavy material not suitible for everyone, and proceed with caution.





	Waiting for you (Trigger Warning)

**Author's Note:**

> Please note: I did not write this with the intention of "romanticising" depression or suicidal thoughts, and I understand that these are both very serious topics. I simply wrote a story based on my own experiences, and decided to share it here.

Jack scrolled through the contacts in his phone, glancing at his computer screen again. 'Position in line: 4'. The letters told him. He sighed. Why was the waiting list for this stupid suicide hotline taking so long to get through? He needed help, but as always, it was just out of reach. Jack went back to his phone, looking for someone he could text. What would he even say? 'Hey I'm suicidal.' How do you even respond to that? He'd have to wait for the chat to load. Jack sighed, he didn't want to wait. He didn't want to feel either, didn't want to live. Back to the contacts. Jack hesitated at Mark's name, thinking. Would Mark freak out? Get scared away? Would he understand? Jack felt so alone, he just wanted someone to understand. 'Position in line: 4' the screen reminded him. Maybe he'd listen to some music... Jack found himself pulling up Mark's scary games playlist. It felt so good to hear his voice. Good but fake. Like he was being lied to. Jack decided he would take what he could get and turned on a video. Better than sitting in silence. 'Position in line: 4'. Jack had been waiting for forty five minutes now, going from 18 to 4. He sighed. This was pointless. Maybe it was a sign that he wasn't supposed to do this, wasn't supposed to get help. Maybe it was a sign he should reach out, text Mark... Jack pulled the contact back up, still 4th in line, and thought about it. Well... If he scared Mark away, he could always just kill himself and then it wouldn't matter. But he'd rather die with friends than die without any... Jack was always telling his viewers to reach out if they were suicidal. He owed them this much. 'Position in line: 4'. He opened a chat with Mark.  
-Hey, are you still up?- Jack hesitated, but pressed send.  
'Position in line: 3'.  
-...- Mark was typing something. Relief flooded through Jack, he was awake, he was on the other side of the screen, typing something. He wasn't alone.  
-Yeah. I'm up. Need something?-  
Yes, more than he realized.  
-No, just bored.-  
-Cool. Up to anything fun?- Mark sent.  
-Just waiting for my screen to load...-  
-I hate when it takes forever to load. I was just eating.-  
Jack paused to do some math.  
-It's one in the morning over there?-  
-I forgot about food today and my stomach complained enough to wake me up.- He explained.  
-Oh. What are you eating?-  
-Toast.-  
-Cool.-  
-You gonna go to bed? If you're bored just sleep.-  
Jack took a moment to decide if Mark was trying to get rid of him or just trying to cure his boredom. If it didn't work out, he could just kill himself. 'Position in line: 3'.  
-Can't sleep.-  
-Well not if you're staring at a screen. Can't sleep or don't want to?-  
-I want to sleep I just shouldn't.- Jack did want to sleep. He wanted to take his sleeping pill and go to sleep. He wanted to take the whole bottle.  
-Was that you being cryptic or autocorrect?-  
-It doesn't matter.-  
'Position in line: 3'.  
-I should go.- Jack sent.  
-Don't go. I'm bored too. All I have is toast to keep me company. Come baaaaaaack!-  
-Lol okay. I'm here.-  
-Promise you won't vanish on me?-  
-I promise.- Jack smirked.  
-So, is everything alright? You're up kind of late texting me about toast and not being allowed to sleep. Are you okay?-  
-Is anyone okay at one in the morning?- Jack tried to play it off.  
-I don't know. Are you?-  
-I'm just tired.- That was true. Tired physically, mentally, emotionally...  
-Right, but you said you shouldn't sleep?-  
-Yes.-  
-Why not?-  
-Everyone says not to.-  
He didn't respond for a moment.  
-What exactly does sleeping pertain to?-  
-I take my sleeping pills and go to sleep.-  
'Position in line: 2'.  
-And then what?-  
And then what?  
-Then I sleep.-  
-How many pills are you supposed to take?-  
-One.-  
-I thought so. I just find it a bit odd that you said you would take your 'pills', plural, and go to sleep since you only take one.-  
-I don't know. It's just one letter difference. It doesn't really matter.-  
-So how many pills do you take?-  
-One, I told you.-  
-No, like in the type of sleeping you told me about. Where you take your sleeping pills and go to sleep. How many then?-  
-Just drop it Mark. It's one letter.- One letter that really screwed Jack over.  
-I'd like to know how many. Please Jack.-  
Jack paused, then remembered he'd kill himself if he scared Mark away. It would be alright. Taking comfort in that fact, he began to type a reply.  
-As many as I have. As many as I can take. As many as I can get down, keep down. That's how many.- Jack didn't think before he sent it or he never would have hit send. There was no indication Mark was typing for a moment, then the littlest dots popped back up. He was still there, still typing.  
-Yeah, maybe you shouldn't sleep right now. Is this why you texted me? Is there anything to want to talk about? Should I call you?-  
-I'd rather text.-  
-Is there anything you want to talk about?-  
-I don't want to die Mark. I just don't want it to hurt anymore. I'm so tired of pretending to be happy, faking all this enthusiasm on my channel and no one notices. No one cares enough to look. I'm all alone over here in my depressed bubble and you're all out there so happy. I want that. I want to be happy. I can't feel anything anymore and I just want to feel /something/. Even pain is better than this.-  
Mark took a moment to read it before responding. -Jack, /I/ care. Have you tried to hurt yourself?-  
-It's just scratching.-  
-With what?-  
-Scissors or wire mostly. I don't break the skin.-  
-That's good but that doesn't mean it's not something serious. I'm glad you're telling me about this. You're very brave.-  
-Thanks.-  
'Position in line: 2'.  
-What are you waiting to load?-  
-A suicide help line chat.-  
-And it won't load?-  
-Well, it's loaded, but there a waiting line. I'm in spot 2.-  
-How long have you been waiting?-  
-Nearly and hour.-  
'Position in line: 1'.  
-I'm next now.- Jack told him. Maybe he really wasn't going to leave, even though he knew.  
-That's good. You'd think they'd have more operators so you wouldn't have to wait so long. That's long enough to to decide to commit suicide.-  
-If I hadn't texted you I might've.- Crap, that may have been too much.  
-I'm glad you texted. I'd be absolutely devastated to lose you, but I guess it's not my call. It seems selfish to make you stay.- Mark had lost one friend to suicide, he didn't want to lose another. He couldn't bear to lose Jack though. His little Irish ball of excitement and energy.  
-I don't want to hurt anyone but me. That's why I'm still here.- Jack told him.  
-If you could do it without hurting anyone, would you?-  
-Yes, but I can't do that to you.-  
-I'm glad you stuck around for me.-  
-Me too, most of the time. It's my turn Mark I've got to go.-  
-Okay text me when you're done?-  
-I will.-  
Jack turned back to his computer.  
'Joselyn will be your representative today'.  
-Hi. I'm Joselyn. How can I help you?-

**Author's Note:**

> If you do have suicidal thoughts, depression, and/or another mental health condition, please reach out and seek help. Therapy and medication can benefit you immensely, so please contact a mental health professional as soon as possible. You are not alone.
> 
> Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255


End file.
